Dear Blonde-Haired Hoes (from what I could vaguely remember) who sat next to me at 2B shoes at the Eaton Centre,

I hope you're enjoying your new "find", which I guess you'll have to decide between the two of you who will keep the stained and dirty Coach wristlet, the $40 in cash, my now-canceled Visa and debit cards, my Driver's licence, my Health card, various reward cards (thanks for collecting for me), my found-only-in-Hawaii Starbucks collectible card (which is now monetarily useless since I canceled it) and the 3 dozen receipts that I have unreasonably kept.

I have to wonder why you chose me as a target, but I guess I asked for it by being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Although I didn't think much of you when you sat rather close to me and felt my purse being nudged, I should have known better than to not keep watch of my shit. It's also my fault for being fairly fatigued from having only 4.5 hours of sleep after a night of partying and a kids' Christmas party to volunteer at the next morning.

I probably wasn't even your only target today, but whatever. You have reinforced my ideas of why I absolutely hate holiday shopping and you have given me a new profound look at humanity and that is that people get more and more petty everyday. Even though an expensive purse doesn't mean much to me in terms of value (although that particular one did have some sentimental value to me), for some reason you believe you are entitled to other people's shit.

In any case, I don't know what horrible thing happened to you in your childhood that has made your mind so messed up that you have resorted to stealing from strangers. I guess I shouldn't bitch, because I've had it pretty good so far (*knock on wood*) and I make no apologies for that. What's done is done, I suppose. I should just be grateful for what I have left: good family, solid friends and reasonably good health (those damn kids might've given me something *cough*cough*).

You probably won't realize the ways in which you have wronged. At least, not until you get caught. So until then,

Merry fucking Christmas.

~Lil.

P.S. In the spirit of the Christmas season, and since they are really of no use to you, would you be so kind as to mailing to me my Driver's license and Health Cards? You no doubt have my mailing address. Thanks.